TITANZER

“4,000? You see that, Johnny? That’s more than-oh.”

Attie was impressed. He’s getting a lot better at those illusions.

“Perfect, perfect. We’ll take it from here. “

The Chief never knew Problemsolvers was such a good service. Fights, excitement. This was a dream come true: now she could outsource the law enforcement and focus on what she really loved: watching the whole thing go down from a distance. She clicked a button on her arm to mark the job completed and left her rating.

“Brilliant, T! Bad Guys: DEFEATED.”

This was the life, thought Attie. Big fights, giant robots, throwing around piles of rubble. She was proud, proud of Johnny, proud of Titanzer. Even if the robot was a bit wimpy, it at least had the good sense to obliterate a building when you asked politely.

“Whatever.”

Another hope, crushed. Maybe, thought Johnny, this was what he deserved. Perhaps he unknowingly got cursed by some website he signed up for. Maybe this was one of those puzzles you can’t solve unless you give up trying. No, that can’t be it.

“Uh, sorry.”

Why did they make it do that? Titanzer hated being forced to punch things. It was bad enough that it had to stand here among all the police cars (what if he stepped on something?). But now it had to think about what it’d done. And it did exactly that, until he realized it didn’t have to because they used the manual over ride. See? Laziness wins again.

Attie heaved the debris apart with gusto. Wow, she’s gonna have to blog about this one. I wonder what her problemsolver score is now? Johnny, however, felt exactly the opposite.

The police took tactical positions, zooming in with wide angle lenses to scope the scene. It was nothing but rubble. And no sight of the Problemsolvers.

“No!”

“Screw it. Titanzer: Attie override. Punch. “

Chunky Ben decided this was the time to get the crapstack out. He initiated his Trollr body mod to start auto-generating really mean posts on the Problemsolver’s profiles. They’re fucking in for it now. Ben felt confident someone was about to get demolished.

“You’ve never heard of a hypographer? It’s really quite-“

Intrigued by the collection of high tech gadgetry on Johnny’s portable viewer, the drillhead sat down and asked some questions. Never one to turn down a chance to talk, Johnny went about giving the little guy a lesson on experimental scientific equipment. Or, if you’ve got a sense of humor, magic shit. Attie did not have one. She was all humored out by now.

“Aw, come on!”

This isn’t how this goes! Heroes don’t clumsily slap at a villain’s force field. They punch it a few times and it breaks. Break you stupid thing, Attie thought, break! After punching it over and over, she decided she needed some help.

Chunky Ben couldn’t help but laugh. What a shitsmoker, he thought, as he watched her fist bounce off his shield. All that coolness Attie felt when she cracked Total Boss’ head open was starting to fade – hard.

Ben, however, was just getting started. He had planned this all along, he told the crowd. When his brain cavity opened, they all raised their digital lighters. A Micropew laser emerged and shot a single, hot beam into Attie’s eye. It bounced off, but nothing can protect you from being annoyed.

The electricity still coursing through her brain, Attie started to feel woozy. Time to finish this, she thought.

Chunky Ben wasted no time and unleashed his hidden Electroprongs. Shitfuck buttcruncher, he thought, adding a further fucklord captain crackfucker to the mix.

“Correct. Would you like to upgrade your upcoming trial to ‘extra fair’ for .99 cents?”

It landed perfectly, Attie could tell he was losing whatever cool he might have installed. Shame it always came off like a joke, since she actually made a little money every time someone upgraded. Nothing’s stronger than a good business sense, Attie’s mother used to say. This was before Attie got her super powers.

“Now I recognize you two. You guys are Problemsolvers.”

Attie skidded to a halt in front of the cyborg. How did he know? Did this mean she’s getting a – *fanfare* – REPUTATION? A surge of giddiness gripped Attie from the inside, but she pushed it down and kept her cool face on. Gritty antihero, Attie repeated to herself. Three. Two. One. Now, she said to herself, use an action hero line.

“Wait, wait. What about – no. No.”

The never missing gun? No, thought Johnny, too violent. The Prime Mover? Too chaotic. Nothing felt quite right, since this was a special occasion. This fight was going to be really fun, and if he was only going to have fun once every few missions he wanted to make it count.

“Suit yourself.”

Oh right. In her excitement, Attie forgot. She hated to even think this: but their robot might be a total weenie. She didn’t know who programmed it to be this much of a wimp, but she’d like to have a word with them. Sigh, a hero’s work is never done.

“N-no thanks. I mean, I’d love to but you seem to h-have it under c-c-control.”

“You have to get in on this, T! You will love it!”

Attie, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do. Bodies all over the place, heaps of cyborgs stacked on top of each other. She even hit the grandma hard enough to stick her in the wall. This was too much fun, why wasn’t their robot joining in? Attie dialed it up on her arm display.

“Should I use the Psionic Gauntlet? The Shudderer?”

No, thought Johnny, the Shudderer was probably a bad idea. There’s a reason only one exists: it scans your brainwaves to recreate the sound of your parents having sex. It’s a bit too cruel for this kind of fight. He wanted something a bit more clever, hard to use.